Reports suggest Hanson, who had been aggressively campaigning against halal certification, failed to check the certification status of the sausage sizzle at her local polling booth. Unfortunately for Hanson, all it took was one bite of that sweet halal-certified meat and she was immediately converted to a devout and practicing muslim.
“It’s obviously a shock,” one campaign advisor told The Backburner. “I thought we’d run a great campaign based entirely on fear of the other. We were working really well at succeeding by further marginalising Australians who already are regularly at the receiving end of abuse just from practising their religion. For this to happen now – it really messes up a lot of hard work.
“I mean, it seems to be working out fine for her. She was a little confused at first but it was something about that delicious taste of that certified meat that had her studying the Qu’ran later that morning.
“Really, I think it’s helped her. She was a particularly angry and hateful person and she seemed to have found peace and solace in religion. It’s a truly unexpected outcome but I guess we just need to count our blessings on this. It’s terrible for our campaign but we have to ask what’s best for her.
“It’s just a surprise. It’s not like we even believed the crap we were saying! We thought halal certification was essentially like an allergy notice. It’s letting people know that the food has been prepared in a certain way so that they’re able to meet it. Honestly, it didn’t really seem to affect anyone else outside of the people to whom it’s useful. I mean, I know there’s some conspiracy theory stuff but that all seemed pretty whacky. It seemed paying for halal certification was a good business decision because it opened up international markets. Well – at least – this is what I believed before I witnessed Pauline’s sudden transformation.
“Oh well, at least we will have some representation of the Islamic community in the senate. I guess that beats having an unrepentant racist who attempts to demean their very humanity. It’s a good result all-round, I guess.”